Not Allowing Doubt to Debilitate

4 Feb

All day I have been stressing about it, thinking thoughts like:

–          Will I make it?

–          Will I puke? Because that’s gross.

–          Will I be the thickest one there?

As these thoughts spin through my head I hear my phone ring, yet miss the call. In a voicemail and unfamiliar male voice says “Hi Sydney, this is Daniel and I was just calling to confirm that you are still coming to the class tonight”. A million thoughts run through my head, but the first is a way out. How can I get out of this? I can cancel, right? But alas, I’ve promised myself that this is the last try.

Before class I found myself killing time and running a few errands with a slight twinge of angst about my evening, but still in the back of my mind knowing that this is something I have to do.

It’s 4:30 class time, I walk into the gym. For most people walking into a gym is a liberating experience, no? They do it for energy, or to look good, but for me it was like being completely exposed. As class began everyone joined smack dab in the middle of the gym. As we stretched I was still feeling a little nervous. Just when I began to feel comfortable, the trainer said “go for one lap” as soon as the last word left his mouth everyone in the class was running out the door. I ran too, about half way around the outside of the building until I thought I might lose enough air to pass out. As I was walking a million thoughts went through my mind, and the number one thought running through my mind was “how embarrassing”. There were women in the class that were double my age and taking it like it was nothing, and here I am sucking up air. As I got inside nearly defeated, God showed faithful even in my doubt by bringing s friend. I hadn’t seen her in a year, but remember her as a sister who has a beautiful heart for Papa.  Comfortable in having her as a partner for the workout we began the rotations. We jumped roped, hit a tire with a sledge hammer, rowed with weights heavier than my Bichon, jumped on a huge box, lifted a huge tire, did an arm thing with heavy ropes, did burpees(???), and planked out hearts out. After that we went out to “run” again and finished with more burpees.

When the workout was completed I can’t say that I felt successful. Truthfully I wanted to cry, and the thought of “how did I get this way?” crossed my mind.

On the way home I was thinking about weight and what a hold it can have on our thoughts. I know in my case that weight is an area that I like to call a “little-big”. My little-big areas in life usually involve things in my life that I think God doesn’t want to be bothered with. I brush them off by belittling them as things that don’t bother me, but often they are like icebergs. Meer hills above the surface, but colossal mountains below.

In my devotions this week I’ve been reading about God’s faithfulness and things that often come between us and God. Doubt is one of the things that distances us from God, that distances me from Him. Defined as a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction, doubt says that some things are possible when God says that all things are possible.

“The grand secret of conviction is to dwell first and constantly in the positive evidence of truth” – E. R. Conder and W. Clarkson

“Our faith is nourished by developing a strong sense of God’s acting in the past, so that we begin to count on Him to act consistently with His character in the future- again, and again, and again” – C. Donald Cole 

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